i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
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