Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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