I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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