I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
