i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
