No awkward lesbian experiences without me
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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