I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
