He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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