i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
