dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
this is an emotional support booty call
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
