Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
