I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Randomize
