and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
