The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
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