just survived the first fart of the relationship.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
