remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Randomize
