the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
