Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
