Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
