he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
So apparently I’m into choking now
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