Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
