how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize