What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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