my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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