After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
