i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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