My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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