do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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