you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
