If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
