Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Randomize
