Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
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