I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
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