My room smells like vodka and shame
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I'm too high and old for this...
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
