He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
