it's not cheating when I paid for it
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
