I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
It's shark week go big or go home
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
