I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
