my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
worst night to have a conscience
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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