I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize