his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
