Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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