I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
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