im six kinds of drunk right now
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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