The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
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