I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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