I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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