Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
