is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
