I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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