apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
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