Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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