I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
