The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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