My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
