I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
