I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
i permit you to call me
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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